I am frequently bewildered by fashion and fashionistas.  All the Botox in the world cannot erase the perplexed furrows from my brow.  Here I discuss four particularly confounding fashion faux pas and suggest rules to overcome them.

 

The influential designers from the golden era of fashion are dead – Chanel, Dior, St Laurent, etc – yet it is business as usual in their empires.  How is this possible?  Is this not equivalent to a Beatles cover band releasing an album of original songs and promoting it as a new Beatles album?

 

The designers at the helm of these fashion houses may be creative and talented in their own right but, unless they communicate with the dead, they cannot intuit or channel the original designer’s aesthetic.

 

These brands are so iconic they could continue indefinitely reproducing original designs.  Instead nouveau designers slap a logo and designer price tag on almost anything.  The original designers would surely spin in their graves at some of the dubious products produced under their names.  Coco Chanel designs were elegant and sophisticated so who honestly believes she would have designed hair bobbles or scrunchies?

 

FASHION RULE #1:  Nouveau designers should start their own labels and leave the legacy and prestige of their predecessors the hell alone.

 

I am referring to celebrities who become designers not designers who become celebrities.

 

Celebrity designers often look as though they are styled by pimps, toddlers or the visually impaired; the aesthetic being red light district rather than red carpet.  Of course, there are exceptions; Victoria Beckham’s designs, for example, suggest the "Posh Spice” moniker from her previous life may be apt.

 

Further, other than lending their names to and passing a cursory glance over the designs, celebrities would not touch these products with a sanitised coathanger.  Kardashian fans carry peeling PVC totes and develop infected earlobes from tarnished costume jewellery while the Kardashians themselves procure handbags from designer waiting lists and jewellery from Tiffany and Bvlgari.

 

Celebrity scents make even less sense.  Who knows – or cares – how Britney, J Lo or Katy Perry smell?  Ever caught a whiff of fragrance and imagined being in the presence of a celebrity?

 

FASHION RULE #2:  If a celebrity would not be seen dead wearing / using their cheap looking, cheaply made product nor should you.

Spell & the Gypsy and their ilk manufacture beautiful clothes which retain zero counter-cultural significance.  When you can feed a hippie commune for a month for the price of a kimono, the only ideology is conspicuous consumption.  Nevertheless, in this respect boho is no better or worse than other fashion trends so what’s the problem?

 

Well, I’m glad you asked.  While most trends don’t suit everyone, boho looks wrong on almost anyone anywhere except the infinitesimal percentage of women who:

 

• Resemble an elongated Pretty Woman-era Julia Roberts;
• Spend their time cavorting in deserts or prairies;
• Have executive incomes and servants to hand-wash and iron natural fibres;
• Have bladders the size of a watermelon.
• Boho clothing, despite its earthy connotations, is both impractical and high maintenance.  Full-length dresses and bell-bottom pants are hazardous on anyone who is height challenged.  At best, a floral train sweeps the floor; at worst, you’re tripping (and not in a hazy drug-induced manner).  Playsuits are another boho favourite and cute until you need to pee.  This necessitates disrobing to your underwear while attempting to prevent the playsuit hitting the filthy floor then reversing the process.  When you emerge from the toilet half an hour later, everyone in the queue is glaring and your date is hitting on your best friend who had the foresight to wear a little black dress.  You vow next time you’ll wear your kimono … except you need to hand-wash it to prevent the fringes frizzing, clumping or shedding.

 

Boho is a commitment rather than a trend because it encompasses no versatility.  Can you dress it up or down?  Nope.  Can you incorporate it into your existing wardrobe?  Nope.  Can you accessorise with anything other than boho-style footwear, bags and jewellery?  Nope, nope, nope.  Your boho pieces need pieces of their own.

 

FASHION RULE #3:  If you have the bucks for boho, buy a kimono and hang it on the wall as art.  Wear it at your peril!

 

As surely as night follows day, a fashion editor somewhere is preparing to publish a feature on classic pieces every woman must own.  (If you have never read these features you are either still being dressed by your mother in princess gowns with plastic tiaras and slippers or you are even less interested in fashion than me.)

 

A rogue editor occasionally introduces a controversial piece but the list always – and I do mean always – includes: a trenchcoat, a leather jacket, a little black dress, a white shirt and blue jeans.

 

The pieces are described as timeless and ageless and reverently referred to as "investment” pieces.  (Apparently, fashion editors believe it is a fiscally astute investment to bequeath your daughter a Burberry trenchcoat rather than save for her education.)

 

So far so good.  We are savvy fashionistas who know our classics.  I mean, trenchcoats and leather jackets have been around since forever, right?  Look at those Bogart and Brando guys in the quaint old movies before they invented colour.  These pieces are no passing fad but … but … but …

 

The pieces are classic, ageless and timeless, right?  So why is the fashion editor urging us to buy new ones?  The photos are there in the feature with price tags attached.  Have the classic classics been superseded by contemporary classics?  Are there limitations on agelessness and timelessness?  If I buy the ones in the feature, will another fashion editor in another magazine tell me to buy another lot of classic pieces?  It’s so confusing!

 

FASHION RULE #4:  There is no such thing as a classic in fashion.  There is only this year’s classic.  If you buy into this, your wardrobe will soon contain enough trenchcoats to start a detective agency and enough leather jackets for a sizeable chapter of the Hell’s Angels.